Reg Grundies

"Reg Grundies" is rhyming slang for Undies. Ah... the ubiquitous underwear... panties, knickers, jocks, boxers, g-strings.. whatever you might like to call them. Notice I didn't write thongs? They are worn on the feet! unless you are in the UK or maybe the US whereby they are known as Flip-Flops. "A rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Called flip-flops for the sound they make; now there is a dangerous precedent: my arse would be called a pftheeerrt!

But the "Undie" by whatever name you call it, like the picture, has gone through some spectacular changes, but it strikes me that it goes through a cycle. It starts as nappies and as the child gets better trained, there are those wet pants that absorb a bit of moisture in case of accident. After those it's into the tighty whiteys that cover everything up, the Y front. Initially called Y fronts because the two flaps of cloth to make the flap to get to your Pee-nis, is sown in the shape of a Y. As you grow the Y becomes a WHY as you ask yourself which idiot designed these each time your willie gets strangled half in-half out of the silly hole in the front! How uncomfortable are they? Of course, if you're a woman, that's never an issue (we hope!)

Somewhere here in the middle comes the change to either boxers or sports briefs. They ARE sporty, sexy, new age, they make you feel older, more mature. When you meet someone, then comes the G-string. It's smart, it's sexy, worn by both sexes to impress, or to be worn because of fashion despite the string back clawing its way into your butt cleavage and rubbing against your butt hole!. (Don't you just hate a VPL?)

The final step is the "commando"stage where you are so set to impress that you leave them off altogether!! Or is it the final step?

When you get a little older, or settled in your relationship, or get just plain sick of the G string rubbing against your anus, you go back to the sports brief. They are a little bigger, they hold all the extra flesh that has suddenly appeared around your butt, and they cover everything up. And as the butt gets bigger, so do the undies to stop unsightly bulges and uncontrolled wobbling flesh that might upset the balance. Older still and after a few kids, or your weak stomach muscles, you find that when you sneeze or cough, there can sometimes be a little dribble where a dribble ought not to be, so you wear underpants with some absorbency in case of accidents. Finally, when you lose control over your bladder as you get really old, you're back to nappies!

Is this the true circle of life that I have heard so much about?

For guys, there is always that Briefs versus Boxers debate, where someone once said that tight briefs leads to testicular cancer. Perhaps this was a good fear/marketing campaign by the boxer shorts manufacturers to help sell their product. You hear all sorts of comments about tight and clingy versus loose and baggy, about cramped conditions versus flopping about unkempt. As a sportsman, uncontrolled movement can be painful. But you know what it boils down to in a lot of cases? It has very little to do with comfort, although that plays a part, but regardless of what a guy has been wearing, he will end up wearing what his partner wants/likes him to wear!!!!

Yes.. sorry guys, we are lead around by our dicks.

I could wax lyrical here for ages about another type of underwear... lingerie. Suffice to say that as visual beings, guys enjoy their women wearing it. A tip for the girls though; stop worrying about a few pounds here and there. Don't stress about a bit of cellulite, or a little roll, and don't fuss about love handles, your guy wont see them. He sees you all the time and when you look with love, you see with love, and he will be so damn happy that you have on a teddy with stockings and high heels that he wont see or care about any of the things that you have worried about that have prevented you from wearing the stuff in the first place. Real women have real bodies, not airbrushed ones, so celebrate what makes you a woman. Confucious is dubiously quoted as saying... "... man who sinks into woman's arms, usually end up with arms in woman's sink..." so don't worry, many guys like to sink into a woman's arms and the softness of her skin.

My only lament is the "fun" market for underwear. There seems a lot more stuff available for women than men. I used to have a couple of pairs of sports briefs that had "For Formal Balls Only"and "Lucky Dip" under a zipper, but apart from elephant style undies that encompass your dick like the Amazing Randy, there isn't a lot of other things on the market unless you are into "specialty" clothing made from leather. Whereas, for a woman, there are all sorts of delightful, delectable, delicious (and other D words as well) clothes, costumes, outfits, under wear with holes in appropriate spots. Ah well, it is us guys after all that are the visual ones I suppose.

But still!

True Flies

I HATE FLIES!

What do you call a fly without any wings?... A WALK!
How do you make an Elephant fly?.. You start with a zipper that's two foot long.

We joke about flies, but they are not funny; they annoy the shit out of me!!!!!! Where do they come from? The smart-alecs amongst you are probably saying something along the lines of..."When a mummy and a daddy fly love each other very much, they have a special cuddle...." but I don't mean where do they originate, but where are they when they aren't trying to crawl up my nose?

You know the scenario, you step outside the door and you haven't travelled six feet before there are a dozen or so vieing for the title of most annoying by seeing who can get you to swat them first, the one up the nose, the one in your ear, or the one that gets in behind your glasses!

Where are they before this?

Are they flying around aimlessly for hours, lurking near doorways and thoroughfares hour after hour? Surely they would die of exertion. Or are there special places like taxi ranks where they sit and wait for some unsuspecting creature to step out? And how do they know this? Is it nature or nurture? How do they know that we smell, or have dribble or snot up our noses that they like? How do they know to lurk near doorways?

I have looked outside my door and not seen a single fly ANYWHERE, and yet before I can get off the verandah they are in my ears, buzzing around my face and getting me angry. Then... ZOOOOOM, there's a hundred of the little buggers all doing the same! And they are cunning little bastards too. Perhaps they have some hitherto unknown communication between themselves and they wait for you to have both hands full and then yell out to their mates that you are not able to swat them so they come in droves.

It's true!!!! I have walked out sometimes and had a few buzzing around my head, but it's when I have both hands full that they are at their most vicious and seem extra-determined to find there way inside my head from one of the 7 openings in it!!!

Where is the Aerogard I hear you say, or the other forms of repellent? Well.. what can I say... most are useless, with the Tropical strength Aerogard being about the best, but even that doesn't work like it used to. They still fly around my head and touch down for a fraction of a second and then take off again. Used to be that they wouldn't come near you, now the little bastards find that 1/4 of a square centimetre that you missed when you put the repellent on and they sit there and annoy the crap out of you!

The famous Outback explorer, road builder and writer Len Beadell raised the question in one of his excellent books, that if two people meeting in the outback arrived with their own cloud of a 100 or so flies, when they parted, would the flies stay with the original carrier or would some of them switch places? I am told that certain flies are attracted to certain smells, but they seem pretty indiscriminent to me, so Len... no mate, I am sure you would leave with different flies than you arrived with and probably more or less depending on which of the two of you had showered the most recently.

I take my hat off to you Len, you built those bomb roads in the 50s and 60s, for years battling the outback, the Landrover and the flat tyres. I would have given up after three days because of the FLIES!!!!! You're a better man than I am Gunga Din!

What turns us on?

This picture perhaps answers the question fairly graphically, but while that might be derogatory towards women, perhaps it makes us men just look simple! There are those that would say uncomplicated and mean it as a compliment. Others would see it as a positive because we don't have all that other 'shit' to deal with, and that would be true. What was that old joke about How To Turn On a Woman: that listed a whole lot of things like, dinner, manners, flowers, perfume, gifts, compliments (ad infinitum ad nauseum) whereas, How To Turn On a Man was "Turn up naked, bring beer (optional)"

We are different beasts, not just the obvious physical differences, but in the way we look at things. I know my ex bought me two ties and I put one on and all she could say was "Don't you like the other one?" and while that was a no win situation, they aren't all like that, but they are different from us men in the way they process information in general terms.

For instance: I was talking with my partner this morning about homophobia (as you do) and she was wondering why it's ok for us guys to find two women having sex arousing yet two guys having sex was revolting to us. She also wondered why most women didn't find two guys having sex arousing; somewhat of a duality she thought.

In my infinite(?) wisdom I explained that I thought it had to do with how men and women dealt with issues of sex and relationships. OK I can hear you all now cringing, worried for me that I had ventured down this track and mentioned the R word, and I thank you, but as Robinson Crusoe said on the island all by himself, "I can hold my own."

I ventured to her that men were visual creatures by our very upbringing, peeking under tent flaps, through key holes, in windows and that the magazines that men read create a desire to 'see' things of an arousing nature, so looking at two women fits neatly into a couple of categories. One is of course the certain taboo nature of it all, and the other is a little more base than that. If looking at two tits is good, then four are better. I am sure the psychoanalyst amongst any one reading this will argue on a deeper level, and perhaps they are right in a root cause (no pun intended) but the taboo and the 'watching' are strong drivers of our male sexuality.

On the other hand, women seem to be more emotional, and while the beautiful act of lovemaking is an expression of love for some guys, I would hazard that it is a strong factor in most women and is accompanied by a whole range of emotions to love, to hold, to give, to be given, to join, to be consumed, to mate, and to be so much more than just a shag. I admit there are women out there that don't feel that way, but it seems to me that those emotions run deeply within women and they might find it hard to split those emotions over more than one man.

I can hear the howling from the bleachers already about stereotyping, and many of you, including me, have experienced events that don't fit in with this theory; girls that want to hump just like guys, that want to have... what did they used to call it... "the zipless fuck!" and I am sure there are caring guys deep down that aren't gay that will shake there heads, but we are all formed by our genetics and our environment and that genetic make-up and environment give male and females different views and aspects to the reproduction/interaction/relationship process, and I have seen it continually displayed over the years.

To highlight the above let me give you an example. In the main, a girl's "virtue", her "cherry", her "hymen" has value to both sexes. To the girl, it is something that will be saved, saved for the right person, however she decides on what that 'right' is, be it the first real love, the first night of marriage etc. It has value for a guy, it is a scalp to wear on his belt, a notch on his gun, a story to share with all his mates. Tell me that isn't true!

As for the homophobia, as Dorrie Evans from No.96 used to say, "That's a horse of a different kettle of fish!"

Of Prison Camps and Moss

Ok, so you're probably wondering about how the title of this blog relates to the picture herein. Firstly let me say how much I like this pic! Why didnt I become a photographer. The F-stop and white balance are excellent and the depth of field brings out all the light and shade.

I made all that up... it was all bullshit... they are great erect nipples in the cold! It reminds me of the very erotic way that women's breasts look when they peel down their cold wet swimming costume when they get back from the pool or the beach. The skin of the breast is covered in goose bumps, the areola puckered, and the nipple hard and cold. (TMI???....) Try putting one in your mouth, it feels wonderful, and the woman will enjoy the warmth from your mouth.

Ok...focus now (me not you)... this brings me to the title. Growing up, many of the things that happen in families seem to carry on as in jokes or family related things, and these things stick in lore. Many years ago I overheard someone ask about what they could do about moss in their lawn, and the answer was "Get to like it!" So now in our family, anytime anyone raises a question where there is no solution, the answer is "MOSS!"

As for Prison Camps, thats a little more obtuse. You know how you don't like to talk dirty in front of your children? You end up speaking in code and hope that they don't catch on, and usually they catch on a couple of years before you realise it, but I digress. So... when you see someone with erect nipples like the woman in the pic, or walking down the street or even just inside a shopping centre's airconditioned areas if you linger just inside the outer doors on a hot day, (notice they always put a seat about two shops in from the entrance just for this purpose), you need a code so you can draw attention to them to your partner, friend etc without you're children finding out you are a sexual deviant.

This code has to make sense to the intended listener, but no sense to the casual over-hearer or child. Hence; Prison Camp. It's pretty lame, yet very effective; let me explain. As most people would know, nipples get very erect when there is a reduction in temperature, when they are cold, and one of the most famous Prison Camps was in Germany,(no not Stalag 13 Mr Klink) and it was called Colditz... (COLD TITS) I am sure you got it, but I had to put that in, in case some didn't.

There you go, now you can walk down the street, or sit on that bench just inside air-conditioned shopping centres on a warm day, and alert your partner or friend to approaching nipplus erectus without having to say out loud "Shit... check out the fantastic stiff nipples on that chic!" You can make some vague comment about prison camps and they will know that they have to look for them.

My partner does this for me... she is great at spotting them and likes them as much as I do... well almost :)